The Ultimate Insult

Family doctors can be wonderful things. We have a pretty good one. He is personable, caring, and attentive. I've always liked him. But I have a gripe with him of late. What's my gripe? His outlook on my present status. You see, I went in for my regular check up and he started asking questions about woman things - of the monthly sort. Well, it's interesting you should ask that, I says. Things are slowing down a bit. I don't mind a bit, you know? (This is a good thing in my mind.) But then his response: "Your body is shutting down" My body is shutting down? My body . . . my body . . . is . . . what? shutting down? How can you say that to me? What medical school did you attend anyway? I always thought so highly of you, but now . . . well . . . I'm not so sure. My body is shutting down. Is it possible to re-boot? And while you're at it, could someone fix the thermostat in here? Who on earth keeps turning up the heat everywhere I go?

Is it smart to take your older sister's advice?

Sister Jacquie sent an email recently about keeping your car's remote controls near you as you sleep, in case you hear suspicious sounds outside. You can push 'alarm' and the "criminal" will run. I read her email, thought that's probably helpful for people in the inner city - and then forgot it. Until . . .

. . . last night. I couldn't sleep (complications of menopause) at 3 am so I went downstairs to read. While sitting there I heard a noise that sounded like my car (you know, it's kind of like how you can recognize your child's voice from other children). Hmmm. I got my remote key controls and looked out the front window from my darkened room. My car and another car were parked along the street and there was a man out there! Apparently he was checking all the cars to see if they were locked. He had found mine locked and moved on to the next car, I conjectured. I'll show him! I pushed the alarm (in the dark). Nothing happened. Again. Darn, wrong button. I found it. BEEP BEEP BEEP! Ha ha, I'll scare him off! Just then he opened the door of the second car, got in (!) and drove away in a hurry. oh . . . ha . . . nervous laugh . . . it was his car.

Oh well. He'll just think it was a quirk (am I a quirk?).

I went back to reading. This is NOT the end of the story. Remember how I had trouble finding the alarm button in the dark? I actually did push a button. When I raised the shades in my bedroom this morning and looked out at my car, much to my surprise I saw the trunk lid open. Yes, it had been opened by me and had been open all morning. What's worse, it rained ALL last night. So much for helpful emails from older and wiser sisters!